Traumatic experiences are incredibly isolating.  When we experience something so profound it is challenging to wrap your mind around it, talking about it can be even more challenging.  Further, we may avoid talking about it because we feel that others may not understand, embarrassment, shame, or emotional overwhelm. The trust we have in the world is broken, so we may behave differently which can be hard for others to understand.  Perhaps our loved ones have internalized the cause of this change. Our edginess may be perceived as a dislike.  Our isolation may be received as withdrawal or lack of commitment.

When communication is breaking down, safe space must be the focus first.  This is especially so in the following situations:

• Someone just disclosed a traumatic experience
• A loved one is highly emotional but shares that they aren’t ready to talk
• We have been unfaithful in a relationship
• Our partner has been unfaithful in a relationship
• Someone is grappling with a life transition (eg a vacation, a marriage, leaving for a job)
• Breakups
• New relationships
• New parenting situations
• Supporting people in grief

We must feel emotionally safe to build a relationship.  But what exactly is an emotionally safe space, and how can we create it in our relationships?  In this article, we will explore the concept of emotional safety, why it is important, and how to nurture it in our relationships.

What is Emotional Safety?

Emotional safety refers to the feeling that we can be authentically ourselves. This is more than what we do and say, but also the way we express our gender, preferences, style, fears, and interests.  When we are emotionally safe, we are free from fear of judgment, rejection, or harm. It is the foundation of a healthy relationship and the only true path to unconditional love.  

Holding emotionally safe space is simply being present and open without trying to talk through, fix, or change the other.  Holding space means offering your loved one the opportunity to express themselves freely, even when they hold a differing value.  The space between our words and actions is how partners feel honored and open.  This silence or lack of our own expression in between our intentional actions and words is golden.

Why is Emotionally Safe Space Important?

Emotional safety is essential for building trust and intimacy in a relationship because it lets us be real.  Without being real, in time, resentment builds and/or our spirit is crushed.  As Jim Morrison shared “the quickest way to kill the self is to try and be what others expect us to be.”  When we do this for a long period of time, we may get really good at wearing the mask.  But, we resent others and feel a lack of self confidence in time.  Decisions may be harder to conclude.  Friendships and marriages may crumble. This juncture often heads quickly into the existential crisis of “What the hell am I doing with my life? Who am I?” and more importantly “Do you love who I really am? Do I?”  When we reach this point, all bets are off and we begin to purge our life to alleviate the pressure.  This process can appear rash or impulsive from the outside in.  Some may even describe the experience as selfish on the part of the party exploring and reclaiming self identity. In truth, it is commonly not well executed because the repressed person is not their best self at the moment and is exploding out of the expectation molds.

When individuals feel emotionally safe, they are more likely to communicate openly and honestly, leading to a deeper understanding and connection with their partner. This may lead to some hard moments and moments that we want to fix so badly but cannot even with the best of words and intentions.  This is the time for emotionally safe space for all parties involved is most important. Don’t know what to do? Breath deeply and observe.

Carrying Trauma as a Family

Emotional safety is especially crucial for individuals who have experienced trauma or betrayal in past relationships.  When we have gone through trauma, we have a different play book that we live by.  There are safety rules and triggers that have developed specifically in response to the traumatic events that have shaped us. I have known Veterans who cannot endure sitting with their back to the door, child abuse and control survivors who go into a rage when the leaves are not raked appropriately in the fall, and sexual assault survivors who have broken into tears when kissed.  Everyone’s playbook is slightly different.  To love and honor each other, we must not take this personally and simply openly aim to understand it and hold space. We also must know our limits and how we feel in the moment to make sure that both needs are met.  

Thus, holding emotional safe space also means being open and honest with a partner and feeling supported in doing so in terms of our limits and needs.  The more transparent and explicit we can be about the boundaries, the safer the space.  It gives our loved ones a chance to show up in the way that we most need.  Taking the guesswork out of meeting each other’s needs creates a happier life.  Simply feeling what we feel and sharing what we are comfortable sharing and what we need in return allows everyone to feel secure.

When trust has been breached by secrets, porn, secret addiction, gambling, or cheating, it may be excessively difficult to define “Safe emotional space” for both parties.  The hurt party often feels that describing the degree of suffering and throwing it back at the offender is the way to heal.  This behavior only further drives a wedge in the relationship that was likely partially the cause of the unhealthy offense.  If the party who offended attempts to shut it down or not be real, they stand to loose any change of reconnecting.  Safe emotional space is the only way to rebuild trust in their current relationships. That means, we don’t have to speak all truths at the beckoning moment, but rather we must respect the need for peace and space when needed. 

Restoring Trust from Betrayal Trauma

Trust is a crucial component of emotional safety. If trust has been broken in a relationship, it is important to work on restoring it. This may involve being transparent and honest with your partner, following through on commitments, and showing empathy and understanding.

It is also important to give your partner time to heal and rebuild trust at their own pace. This may require patience and understanding from both parties.

11 Ways to Create Emotional Safety and Hold Space in Relationships

Creating emotional safety and holding space in relationships takes effort and commitment from both parties.  It is often more difficult to allow a supportive quiet to be in a room than to attempt to fix a loved one’s problem.  However, this will only drive a further distance between the two people.  So, how do we actually do it in the real world when the kids are crying and the fight stings from last night? Here are some ways to nurture emotional safety in your relationships.

Create an Emotional Safety Plan

In some relationships, emotional safety may have been compromised due to past conflicts or betrayals. In these cases, it may be helpful to create an emotional safety plan with your partner.

An emotional safety plan involves setting boundaries, establishing trust-building activities, and creating a safe space for open communication. It can also include a plan for addressing conflicts in a healthy and respectful manner.

Nurturing Emotional Safety with Children

Creating emotional safety begins in our childhood from the very moment a child is born.  Emotional safe space is crucial for promoting a positive learning environment. Here are some ways to nurture emotional safety in the classroom.

Establish Clear Expectations

Setting clear expectations for behavior and communication in the classroom can help create a safe emotional space for students. This can include rules against bullying, respectful communication guidelines, and consequences for breaking these expectations.

Encourage Open Communication

Just like in personal relationships, open communication is key to creating emotional safety in the classroom. Encourage students to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or ridicule.

It is also important to actively listen to your students and validate their feelings. This can help build trust and create a safe space for open communication.

Address Conflicts in a Healthy Manner

Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, including in the classroom. It is important to teach students how to address conflicts in a healthy and respectful manner.

This can include teaching conflict resolution skills, such as active listening, compromise, and empathy. It is also important to model these skills in your own interactions with students.

The Importance of Personal Security in Emotional Safety Conclusion

Emotional safety is crucial for building trust and fostering healthy relationships. By communicating openly and honestly, creating an emotional safety plan, restoring trust, and seeking professional help when needed, we can nurture emotional safety in our relationships.

In the classroom, establishing clear expectations, encouraging open communication, and teaching conflict resolution skills can help create a safe emotional space for students to learn and grow.

Remember, prioritizing personal security is also important for overall emotional safety. By taking these steps, we can create a safe emotional space for ourselves and those around us.