What Causes Attachment Trauma?
When we are born, the second we come into the world, our brain is organizing an internal representation of the outside world. The brain’s stage of development is directly correlated with our physical abilities and what we can access in the outside world. For instance, when we are babies, we cannot yet talk, we can only feel the basic needs of our bodies and express when a feeding, cleaning, temperature regulation, or comfort is required. There are four patterns of attachment that develop:
Secure Attachment. When our cries are met by the adequate amount of care, not too much or too little, right on time, we learn that the world is a predictable, loving place that is designed to meet our needs. We develop the ability to trust others innately.
Avoidant Attachment. But what happens if our caregivers are managing other kids or perhaps other life problems and consistently cannot come when we call or the milk dries up and the formula often runs out so we remain hungry, soiled, afraid, cold, or stuck in an uncomfortable position? We learn that the world is unsafe and unresponsive and that it is of little benefit to communicate our emotions or needs. We begin to wall ourselves off from the world.
Disorganized Attachment. If we have a moody or overstressed mom who responds to the same cry with a loving cuddle when she had a good day and a scream when she had a bad day or is under stress, we learn that the world is unpredictable and our needs are met when the nurturer is happy. This last situation is the key ingredient to the development of “people pleasing” tendencies at a young age because we know that our needs will be met if the mood of our nurturer is happy. The emotions of others also may make us anxious and we may be less able to tolerate when a loved one is upset or stressed for obvious reasons.
Anxious Attachment. Sometimes, on the other hand, parents may have become overly involved with the child. When our needs are anticipated before we voice them, we may fail to ever develop the sense of autonomy in being able to make needs known and see them met. This limits our ability to function independently without someone managing our emotions for us. This child may be overly clingy and distressed when the parent is out of sight.
As we grow, these patterns continue on and become a part of the way in which we define ourselves and our relationships.
Attachment Styles of Adolescents and Teens
The secure attachment person may be a leader in school, highly able to maintain multiple friendships, and able to not internalize criticisms or bullying.
The person walled off, the person with avoidant attachment, may be considered a loner. This may lead to excellence in the study of a craft like technology or video gaming, a sport such as running, or a skill like learning languages. The other avenue we often see is that this person joins a subculture of other kids who are more comfortable with limited emotions. This subculture is often technology-based (virtual friends), content-based (anima focused), or antisocial (gangs or renegades). Others may sense a “wall” that goes up or the feeling that this person cannot share what they truly feel. Further, this person is likely to sabotage relationships when they feel too consistent or close. Thus, they may not have a great inner circle or group of people to show up at celebrations. This only worsens the tendency to draw away from people.
The person with disorganized attachment is likely to be the rollercoaster friend; loved and attractive but known to be unpredictable to connect with. This person enjoys the intensity of emotional connectedness for short periods and then breaks off to merge into other relationships. They may date serially or have a different best friend each week while likely creating a broken hearted former best friend that got kicked to the curb. This person is a people pleaser but does not really trust others or feel that others truly “gets them” for who they are deep down. Others may feel very close to this person immediately but then cannot receive a text back from for weeks.
The anxious attachment style adolescent is likely to have difficulties assimilating with friend groups and may mature socially at a slower rate. They may have an easier time connecting with adults, teachers, and parents. They may need a greater degree of support in trying new things or managing their emotions when they feel that they have failed at something. This child is less likely to try new things and less likely to explore without the reassurance of an adult. This person follows rules, but almost to a fault. The fear of being abandoned or the need for excessive connectedness with the parent continues. This person is a good friend with others who have a similar appreciation of parents, but may struggle if siblings come along unless included in the parenting structure.
What is Attachment Trauma in Adults?
Attachment trauma is basically any of the early learning from infancy through adolescence that unhinges us from the secure attachment style. It can deeply impact how individuals form and maintain relationships throughout their lives. When our attachment bonds cause distress or insecurity, we later form difficulties in forming healthy connections. Understanding attachment trauma involves recognizing its types, its effects on relationships, and utilizing self-help resources for healing.
Types of Attachment Trauma in Adult
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment:
Those with avoidant attachment tend to distance themselves emotionally, avoid intimacy, and struggle with commitment. They might suppress emotions or prioritize independence to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Disorganized Attachment (also referred to as Anxious Avoidant Attachment):
This type results from inconsistent caregiving, leading to unpredictable behaviors in relationships. Individuals may exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant traits, finding it challenging to establish trust or stability. This results in the “hot” “cold” mixed signals. Relationships can feel confusing and unpredictable to this person and the people that they love.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment:
People with anxious attachment often fear abandonment, seek excessive reassurance, and may become overly dependent in relationships. They constantly worry about rejection or being unloved.
Attachment Trauma and Relationship Challenges
There is an old adage that if you explore the relationship between a man and his mother, you will see how he likely will treat his wife. This extends to the concept of watching how your date treats the waitress as an indicator of their ability to show nurturance. This is not far from the truth. These old attachment wounds create damaged love scripts. Our first and most deeply rooted blueprint for a loving relationship is the one we have with a parent. From this basic blueprint, all other relationship blueprints are build-ons. These blueprints, also called archetypes or scripts, are repeated over and again throughout our lives. When we have had attachment trauma, we may have relationship problems that seem normal to us. These include:
Attachment Trauma and Communication Challenges
Attachment trauma can hinder effective communication, leading to misunderstandings, conflict, or difficulty expressing needs.
Attachment Trauma and Trust Issues
Individuals with attachment trauma may struggle to trust others, leading to skepticism, doubts, or an inability to fully open up.
Attachment Trauma and Self-Sabotage
When we feel unsafe in relationships, we sabotage them. This can lead to infidelity or simply abandoning ship or ghosting based on our own discomfort and not the quality of the relationship itself. We become the cause of attachment trauma in others and the cycle then feeds itself.
Attachment Trauma and Emotional Dysregulation:
Without nurturing adults as children, we often fail to develop a sound way of managing stressful situations, enduring distress, and self-soothing. Each style of insecure attachment often leads to difficulties in managing emotions. This can lead to outbursts, emotional shutdowns, or mood swings, impacting relationship dynamics.
What may come as a surprise, especially if you are reading this grimacing at the realization that you are carrying attachment trauma is that most of us do. So, can it be healed? The answer is yes.
Attachment Therapy
Building Resilience and Secure Bonds Through Specialized Techniques
Attachment therapy encompasses a range of tailored interventions designed to address specific attachment styles and their associated challenges. Drawing from modalities such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Schema Therapy, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), attachment therapy offers a comprehensive toolkit for healing and growth.
Attachment Therapy Skill Sets and Techniques:
- Emotion Regulation Skills: Learn practical strategies to identify, understand, and regulate emotions effectively. Mindfulness-based techniques aid in managing emotional reactivity and fostering a sense of calm within relationships.
- Communication Enhancement: Practice active listening, empathetic communication, and assertiveness skills to bridge communication gaps. Explore techniques to express needs and emotions in a clear, non-confrontational manner.
- Attachment-Focused Interventions: Tailored exercises and interventions help individuals recognize and modify maladaptive attachment patterns. These interventions aim to create new, secure attachment experiences within therapy sessions.
- Healing Attachment Wounds: Utilize visualization, inner child work, and narrative therapy to address past attachment injuries. These techniques facilitate the processing and healing of unresolved emotional traumas.
- Conflict Resolution Strategies: Develop conflict management skills, emphasizing compromise, understanding, and validation of partner’s perspectives. Learn de-escalation techniques to navigate conflicts constructively.
- Mind-Body Integration: Incorporate somatic experiencing and body-centered techniques to address trauma stored in the body. This approach promotes holistic healing by integrating physical and emotional experiences.
This style of therapy uses:
– Client-Centered Approach: Tailored to individual needs, fostering a safe and non-judgmental space for exploration and healing.
– Collaborative and Interactive: Encourages active participation, empowering individuals to take ownership of their healing journey.
– Experiential Learning: Utilizes experiential exercises and role-plays to facilitate deeper understanding and application of therapeutic concepts.
– Attachment-Focus: Directly addresses attachment-related issues, aiming to reframe relational dynamics and create secure attachment experiences.
Attachment therapy blends evidence-based interventions with a compassionate, supportive approach, fostering resilience and promoting secure attachments. By incorporating these specialized techniques and a personalized therapeutic style, it empowers individuals to navigate and transform their relationship patterns toward healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Top 3 Attachment Injury Self-Help Books
“Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Synopsis: This book explores attachment styles in adult relationships, offering relationship advice and insights into how different styles influence interactions. It provides practical advice on forming secure attachments and improving relationships based on attachment theory. This is a wonderful overview of the topic, however, some readers feel it focuses more on deep understanding of attachment as opposed to the real world exercises to change. If you are dating someone who is a rollercoaster or who disappears without cause, this will explain alot. It will also help you understand your tendencies and the trauma we can incur when we are in relationships with people who have insecure attachment. If this is you, it will help you understanding and love yourself a bit more and get a grip on how to create relationships that bring what you truly need.
“Healing Your Attachment Wounds: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships” by Diane Poole Heller
Synopsis: Diane Poole Heller delves into the impacts of attachment trauma on relationships, offering therapeutic tools and exercises to heal attachment wounds. It focuses on practical strategies for individuals to foster healthier connections. She provides therapeutic tools and attachment healing exercises to try out as you read the book. This is a great hands-on guide to healing attachment trauma.
“Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It” by Leslie Becker-Phelps
Synopsis: This book addresses the challenges faced by individuals with anxious attachment. It provides guidance on managing anxiety in relationships, fostering self-awareness, and developing strategies to build security and confidence. This is focused greatly on overcoming insecurity, building confidence, and overcoming relationship anxiety.
Final Word on Attachment Trauma and Healing
Attachment trauma profoundly influences how individuals relate to others, impacting communication, trust, and emotional well-being. Recognizing these effects and utilizing self-help resources like the recommended books can aid in understanding, healing, and fostering healthier relationships based on secure attachments.
If you are stuck in past relationship patterns that are holding you back from deep, fulfilling connections, take the first step towards healing.
🌟 Uncover the Root: Identify and understand how past attachment experiences shape your present relationships.
🤝 Build Secure Bonds: Learn practical skills and specialized techniques to navigate communication hurdles, rebuild trust, and foster emotional resilience.
🌱 Nurture Healing: Embrace a holistic approach that combines mindfulness, emotional regulation, and targeted interventions to heal attachment wounds.
⭐ Empower Your Connections: Break free from cycles of insecurity and create lasting, secure bonds built on understanding and empathy.
👉 Take Control: Start your journey toward healthier relationships today. Reach out to an attachment trauma therapist and embark on a path of healing and transformation.
Your past doesn’t dictate your future. Embrace the opportunity to rewrite your relationship story. Start your journey toward secure, fulfilling connections now! Book a session now to learn more. You may wish to try this free attachment style quiz to learn about your own attachment style.